|Two men considering a religious vocation were having a
conversation. "What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders? "
the one asked.
The second replied, "Well, they were both founded by Spaniards -- St.
Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits.
They were also both founded to combat heresy -- the Dominicans to fight
the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants."
"What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?"
"Met any Albigensians lately?"
A man walked up
to a Franciscan and Jesuit and asked, "How many novenas must you say to
get a Mercedes Benz?"
The Franciscan asked, "What's a Mercedes Benz?"
The Jesuit asked, "What's a novena?"
A Franciscan and
Jesuit were debating which order was the greatest. So, they decided to
ask for a sign from God. This is what they received falling down from
Please stop bickering about such trivial matters,
novices both wanted a cigarette while they prayed. They decided to ask
their superior for permission. The first asked but was told no. A
little while later he spotted his friend smoking and praying. "Why did
the superior allow you to smoke and not me?" he asked. His friend
replied, "Because you asked if you could smoke while you prayed, and I
asked if I could pray while I smoked!"
A rabbi, a
priest and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"
A Jesuit, a
Dominican, and a Trappist were marooned on a desert island. They found
a magic lamp, and after some discussion decided to rub it. Lo and
behold, a genie appeared and offered them three wishes. They decided it
was only fair that they could each have one wish. The Jezzie said he
wanted to teach at the world's most famous university, and poof, he was
gone! The Dominican wished to preach in the world's largest church, and
poof, he was gone! Then the Trappist said, "Gee, I already got my wish!"
A little boy was
listening to a long and excessively boring sermon in church. Suddenly
his eye the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye. Tugging his father's
sleeve, he said, "Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?"
walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding
a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to
stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who
has no sin cast the first stone."
The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a
sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally
getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman.
Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom."
moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and
promptly orders three beers.
The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers,
which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three
This happens yet again.
The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time,
several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who
Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of
the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why
you always order three beers?"
'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers,
and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each
other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank
as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon
the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of
pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come
to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The
bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of
the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town.
Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me
first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your
brother. You know-the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to
hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It's just that I,
myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
The Pope goes to
New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at
the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get
to drive. Would you please let me?"
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I
don't think I'm supposed to do that."
But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up. "Oh, all
right, I can't really say no to the Pope."
So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the
gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls
The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled
and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He
goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: Chief, I have a problem.
Chief: What sort of problem?
Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the
speed limit but it's someone really important.
Chief: Important like the mayor?
Cop: No, no, much more important than that.
Chief: Important like the governor?
Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that.
Chief: Like the president?
Chief: Who's more important than the president?
Cop: I don't know, but he's got the Pope driving for him!
Scene: New York
City, man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Irish cop.
Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! Think of your father"
Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."
The copy goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister,
etc. Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump."
Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin"
Man replies "Who is that?"
Cop yells "Jump, Protestant! You're blocking traffic!"
A Jewish couple
has a son who is a holy terror. When he gets to be of age, he's kicked
out of every school they put him in. Finally desperate, the father goes
to the Rabbi for advice and the Rabbi says put him in the Catholic
school. Shocked, the father asks if the Rabbi sure. "Yes" is the reply,
so the father takes him to the nuns and leaves.
An hour goes by, then two hours, lunch time and finally at three the
son comes in says "Good afternoon Papa, good afternoon Mama," goes to
the table and starts on his homework. The father is amazed and finally
ask why he stayed in school all day and why he is behaving so well. His
son looks up and says "Papa when you left, the Mother Superior told me
that they did not allow rowdy boys, then she took me to my room. Papa
they mean business! They've got a Jew nailed on a Cross in every room!"
A nun at a
Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow
Little Suzy declares, "I want to be a prostitute."
"What did you say?!" asks the nun, totally shocked.
"I said I want to be a prostitute," Suzy repeats.
"Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!'"
A farmer named
Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a wee dog that he loved and
doted on. After many long years of faithful companionship, the dog
finally died, so Muldoon went to the parish priest:
"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a Mass for him?"
Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's
death. But, unfortunately, I can't say Mass for the poor creature..."
Muldoon said, "I understand, Father, I do. I guess I'll go to this new
denomination down the road; no tellin' what they believe... Do you
think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick: "Why didn't you tell me your wee dog was Catholic?!"
Late one night,
a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through
the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a
loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped
dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a
dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He
asked the parrot:
"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's
your name?" "Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot
named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the
A pair of Irish
ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the
street from a house of prostitution.
They witnessed a Protestant minister lurking about, then duck into the
"Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace,
those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!"
They both shook their heads and continued working.
A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and
then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking.
"Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief, "Is nothing
holy to those Jewish rabbis? I just can't understand what the world is
coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of
the flesh. T'is a shame, I tell ya!"
Not much later a third man, a Catholic priest, was seen lurking about
the house, looking around to see if anyone was watching, then quietly
sneaked in. "Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap and
crossing himself, "One of the poor girls musta died...."
A priest and a
bus driver both died and went to Heaven at the same time. They get to
the pearly gates where Pope St. Peter greets them. He motions to the
priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are
about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll.
St. Peter turns to the priest and says "This will be yours for
eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to lovely pond, a lush
little garden, and a library full of books."
The priest says, "Thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!" St. Peter
drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the
They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about
500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge
200-room castle on one of the mountains, and a wishing well that makes
wishes come true. St. Peter says "This will be yours for eternity. You
can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and
you can have everything you want."
The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says "Well, now, don't think I'm
not grateful, but why am I getting so much more than the priest?"
St. Peter just laughs and says "You brought more souls to Heaven! When
the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. When you drove your bus,
Years ago in
Ireland, there was a priest who was very anti-British. Every Sunday he
would blast them from the pulpit. He became so notorious that the Pope
himself summoned the priest to Rome for an audience.
"Father," said the Pope, "I want that there should be peace between the
British and the Irish. You're not helping matters at all. I want you to
kiss my ring and swear by the Blessed Virgin that you'll never so much
as mention the British in public again."
"But Your Holiness, I - I - " the priest stammered.
"No buts," said the Pope. "Swear it here and now or there'll be
"Aye, Holy Father," sighed the father. "All right. I swear it."
The very next Sunday just happened to be Easter, and the priest was
back at his pulpit in Ireland, giving his annual Easter sermon.
He got to the part of the Easter story where Jesus said, "And one of
you shall betray Me."
The priest continues: "Saint Andrew jumps up and says, 'Is it I Lord?'
and the Lord says, 'Nay, Andy darlin', it's not you. Sit down now and
dunna worry. Eat your supper.'
Then Saint John the Divine gets up with tears in his eyes and cries,
'Is it I Lord?' And the Lord says, 'Nay, Johnny me boy, it's not you.
Sit down now and dunna fret yourself. Eat your supper.'
"Then that dirty dog Judas Iscariot slowww-ly rises to his feet. And he
looks the Lord right in the eye and says, 'Blimey, Mate. Ya think it's
A Catholic boy
and a Jewish boy were talking and the Catholic boy said, "My priest
knows more than your rabbi." The Jewish boy said, "Of course he does,
you tell him everything."
An elderly man
bursts into a priest's study and says, " I've got to tell you this. I'm
90 years old and for the seventy years I've been married I never
cheated on my wife. Then this sweet thing moved in next door and since
"How long has it been since your last Confession ?" asks the priest.
"I've never been to Confession. I'm Jewish"
"Then why are you telling me this?"
"I'm telling everyone!"
Lost on a rainy
Friday night, a priest stumbles into a monastery and requests shelter
there. Fortunately, he's just in time for dinner and was treated to the
best fish and chips he's ever had.
After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. He is met by
two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother
"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a
wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted.
Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Michael replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
Father turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be...."
"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk..."
Baptism of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way
home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what
was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us
brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys."
Not so very long
ago, an old German man was feeling guilty about something he had done,
so he decided to go to Confession.
He said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I feel terrible because
during World War II I hid a refugee in my attic."
The priest said, "But that's not a sin! I wouldn't feel bad about that
if I were you!"
"But I made him agree to pay me 50 Marks for every week he stayed."
The priest said, "Well, I admit that certainly wasn't the most noble
thing to do, charging the man to save his life -- but you did save his
life, after all, and that is a good thing. Don't worry about it too
much; God forgives."
The man said, "Oh thank you, Father, that eases my mind. I have only
one more question to ask you -- Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for
lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun
made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was
a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note,
"Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
Q. Why can't
Anglicans play chess?
A. Because they can't tell a Bishop from a Queen.
A man suffered a
serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened
from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was
going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my Brother-in-law."
Ratzinger goes running into the Holy Father’s office and is quite
beside himself. “Holy Father, Holy Father!”
“What is it my son?” the pope responds.
“I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear
“The good news”, responds the Holy Father.
The Cardinal says “OK. The good news is that the Lord Jesus has
returned as He promised!”
“Alleluia, Alleluia. Praise be to God!”, the Holy Father responds “So
what’s the bad news? “
Ratzinger responds “He in Salt Lake City.”
A man walks
into a monastery and says “I want to be monk.”
The abbot replies “Great! But you realize we are not allowed to talk
except every ten years.”
The man replies “Fine.”
Ten years go by and the man goes into the abbot’s office. The abbot
asks, “Well my son what have you to say.
The man replies “Bed’s hard.”
The abbot remarks, “Is that it?”
The man says, “Yes”.
Another ten years go by and the man goes into the abbot’s office and
says, “Food stinks!”
The abbot asks, “Is that it?”
And the man says “Yes.”
Another ten years goes by and the man goes into the abbot’s office and
says “Water’s cold. I quit!”
And the abbot replies, “Figures! You’ve been complaining ever since you
The 98 year old
Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her
bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some
warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass
back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as
a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount
into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass
to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they
knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother,"
the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said,
"Don't sell that cow.
There are 3
fundamental truths about religion: Jews don't recognize Jesus as the
Son of God, Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of
Christ, and Baptists don't recognize each other at the bar on Saturday
An Irish priest
is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says,
"Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers
crossed. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks
at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Back to Fun Stuff
Back to Being Catholic Index