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Whenever two
or more persons are engaged in an undertaking, the importance of harmony
for success is universally recognized. Thus if two persons set out on a tour
by boat and plan to do their own sailing or rowing, they must agree as to
the management of their craft, the route to be taken and their destiny. Otherwise
their projected tour will be but the occasion of endless contentions and
difficulties, will get them nowhere, and perhaps even end in disaster.
The Married Couple's Destiny
Such precisely
is the situation of a young married couple that has launched out on the sea
of matrimony. By most solemn vows, they have bound themselves to make the
journey through life together. But what is the destination of that journey?
What is the nature and purpose of the marriage contract into which they have
just entered? What duties devolve upon them by virtue of that contract? What
attitude must they take on the question of having children? And in the event
that they have children, what obligations have they towards them, and how
are these obligations to be fulfilled?
Superficial Harmony
These are questions
which every serious-minded couple must be ready to answer, and on which they
must be in substantial agreement, if they wish to live in peace and happiness
and make a success of their wedded life. I say, if they wish to make a success
of their wedded life; for they might live in harmony and attain to a certain
measure of earthly happiness even without agreement on the aforementioned
questions,--but only at the cost of the real success of their state of life.
Thus they might get along in harmony if they agreed to disregard entirely
the question of life's destiny and of a future life. In like manner, they
might get along harmoniously if, despite decided views or convictions on
certain questions; e.g. that of the artificial limitation of the family,
one of the two would yield in all practical points to the will of the other.
That would be harmony on the surface, harmony in practice, harmony through
compromise or even the abandonment of principle, but not that complete,
deep-seated harmony of thought and action flowing from the acceptance of
the same principles in all essentials, which should be the desire and aim
of every Christian husband and wife.
There is no need of perfect agreement in nonessentials; and it is doubtful
whether complete accord in every particular would even be desirable For,
while a similarity of tastes and talents, of aversions and hobbies might
add to the harmony of wedded life, a difference of likes and dislikes in
some things offers a better opportunity for the one to supplement the other.
Any couple that accepts the teachings set forth in the foregoing chapters
and adopts them as a form of life will I am sure, enjoy in its home the blessing
of harmony in fullest measure. Yet, as there are two kinds of disharmony
fraught with very especial danger to the family, which are nevertheless quite
frequently disregarded, they may well be made the subject of a most emphatic
warning and a more extended instruction.
A United Front
The first of these
is disharmony, or the lack of unity, in the exercise of parental authority.
Children are obliged by the fourth commandment to honor and obey their parents;
and parents are required by that selfsame commandment to train their children
to become men and women of character and virtue. But if children are to obey,
there must be an understanding between the persons who issue the commands;
and if the father and mother are to train their children, they must agree
as to the object and method of training to be pursued. Self-evident as this
principle must appear to every thinking person, it is nevertheless a principle
that is often disregarded in practice. The foundation on which the training
of children must rest is parental authority; but if that authority is at
odds with itself because of opposition between the persons in whom it is
vested, the entire fabric reared upon it will be weak and unsteady. In their
joint relations to their children, as the divinely constituted bearers of
domestic authority, parents must invariably present a united front. Whatever
differences of opinion, of personal likes or dislikes they may have, in their
dealings with their children these differences must recede into the dark
background; so that the children will not even suspect that any such disagreement
exists, and in consequence will not be tempted to play one against the other
or to appeal from the one to the other.
A Second Helping of Pie
To illustrate by
a very common example how easily this principle can be violated, let us suppose
that the family is seated at table and little Johnny asks his mother for
a second piece of pie. Since he had declined to partake of some other more
wholesome but less savory foods, his mother very properly answers, "No."
A little later, taking advantage of his mother's absence in the kitchen,
Johnny repeats his request to his father, who replies: "Here, you can have
my piece, Johnny. I don't care for it anyhow." By acting thus, the father
definitely takes sides with the boy against his mother; weakens her authority;
neglects an opportunity of training his child; and sows the seed of discord
between himself and his wife. The circumstance that the father gave his own
piece of pie to his boy does not change the situation. The mother did not
refuse the lad's request from a desire to economize by saving a piece of
pie, but from the desire to train him to habits of self-control and Christian
moderation.
A Mutual Understanding
Instances of this
kind that call for co-operative action on the part of the parents are of
almost daily occurrence in families where there are children. Being
pleasure-loving like all human beings and as yet too young and inexperienced
to value the merits of self-abnegation and restraint, children are everlastingly
begging to have this or that, to go here or there, to be permitted to enjoy
this or that diversion or amusement. And not only young children present
this domestic problem; the problem persists as long as the children are subject
to the authority of their parents, and often calls for the most cautious
handling when the growing boys and girls have become adolescent sons and
daughters. In every stage of the problem, the only proper policy for the
parents to adopt is to present a united front wherever the children are
concerned. There must be a distinct mutual understanding that one will support
the other, and that all important permissions granted to the children by
one parent are dependent on the consent of the other. "We will see what mother
thinks about it"; "Did mother say you might?"; "I must first talk it over
with father" are standing replies which parents will ever have ready if they
are bent on promoting the welfare of their children and maintaining harmony
in their home.
Strengthening Mutual Love
By thus upholding
each other's authority in the presence of the children, father and mother
not only increase their children's respect for their parents and each other's
influence with the children, but also knit still more firmly the bond of
mutual love that makes husband and wife one moral personage. For each single
reference to the other's authority is a gracious acknowledgment of the other's
equal rights and responsibility in the marriage partnership, and a tacit
renewal of the wedding day agreement to live as two souls with but a single
thought. Nor will it suffice for the one parent to uphold the other in word
while at the same time making no secret from the children that he or she
would much rather side with them. It would be hardly less harmful, for example,
than open hostility for the father to say: "I'm awfully sorry; but you know
how mother is. It's useless for me to say 'Yes' when she says 'No'."
The Chief Disciplinarian
Right from the
beginning, therefore, there should be an agreement between the parents on
all important questions that concern the management and education of the
children. And when new problems arise, or when the parents disagree as to
how best to apply their principles to certain practical cases they should
discuss the matter out of hearing of the children; and only after coming
to an agreement should they inform the children what they have to do. Usually
the regulation of most disciplinary matters pertaining to the domestic circle
is best left to the mother. She is with the children much more than the father
and is less likely to yield to their ill-advised pleadings from selfish motives.
The father, returning home from a day's work, is often just as much in a
mood to enjoy his children as they are eager to enjoy him; and, unless he
is guided by the mother's wishes and rules of discipline for the children,
he is very apt, from sheer paternal affability, to undo all the mother's
efforts in training the children, make her feel bad, and perhaps even discourage
her efforts in the future. For that reason, before conceding the youngsters
any privileges on his return home, he should inquire of their mother how
they behaved themselves during the day; whether a ride or walk in a park
or some other treat would be in order; and the like.
For father and mother always to take each other into consideration, always
to stand together like the two pillars of an arch, is to make family life
infinitely more agreeable, to share equally its burdens and responsibilities,
and in truly constructive fashion to further the training of their children.
But if the parents disagree and the children become aware, as they soon will,
that they can cajole the one parent into siding with them against the other,
then parental authority will be sadly weakened, and domestic harmony will
soon give way to a state of tension, then to ill-concealed dissension, and
at last to open strife.
The Head of the Family
In case the parents
cannot come to an agreement in private on a particular question, then it
is the duty of the wife to submit to her husband, so long as no violation
of moral or religious duty is involved; for St. Paul says: "Let women be
subject to their husbands as to the Lord; because the husband is the head
of the wife, as Christ is the head of the Church" (Eph. 5, 22). Oftentimes,
however, it would be wiser for the husband to yield to the wishes of his
wife when there is no principle at stake; and better still perhaps, if the
matter does not call for immediate settlement, to seek the advice of the
pastor or of some other God-fearing and experienced friend.
Main Cause of Disharmony
The other kind
of disharmony that calls for a special warning is disharmony or the lack
of unity in religion. It is easy to understand how many of the difficulties
of maintaining harmony in the home are removed or lessened, when husband
and wife are united by the profession and practice of the true Faith. And
by the same token it should be easy to understand that, apart from serious
character defects or moral lapses in one of the parents, there is no more
frequent cause of dissension and discord in the home than the lack of unity
in religion. Yet many Catholics fail to realize this fact, and in consequence
make the attempt, which nine times out of ten is doomed to failure, of rearing
the stalwart structure of a truly Catholic home on the cleft foundation of
a mixed marriage.
A Lawyer's Sad Experience
The following quotation
from a letter published in "Our Sunday Visitor" gives the experience with
mixed marriages of just one single lawyer; but it will no doubt open the
eyes of many of my Catholic readers.
"As an active practicing lawyer in Chicago, handling divorce cases along
with my general practice I have had considerable opportunity to make
investigation as to the causes of domestic strife leading to divorce among
Catholic clients where either party married a non-Catholic; and I am now
forced to inquire of you what is being done, if anything, to prevent mixed
marriages by Catholic men and Catholic women.
"I ask this question only after having handled approximately five hundred
divorce cases and cases involving annulment and separate maintenance, wherein
one of the parties was of the Catholic Faith; and wherein I have found that
this difference in religious belief was fundamentally the cause of almost
all of the discontent, sorrow, and trouble which led to divorce or separation;
and that in ninety percent of the mixed marriage cases, the Catholic was
confronted with the question of abstaining from receiving the sacraments
and living with the spouse, or of separation, in order to be able to follow
the teachings of our Faith on the matter of marriage duties and obligations."
A Basic Disagreement
But why does a
mixed marriage almost inevitably sow the seed of discord in the home? Because
the Catholic party accepts and is obliged to accept the teachings of the
Church as the only true standard of moral and religious conduct in every
phase of life; whereas the non-Catholic party does not accept that standard.
From the very outset, then, there is a basic disagreement concerning the
most important thing in life. From the very ground up there is a breach between
husband and wife, which no unity of sentiment in other things will ever be
able to fill. For, no matter how kind, how considerate, how loving, how free
from prejudice, how magnanimous the non-Catholic partner may be, the Catholic
spouse that has a truly Catholic mind must forever realize most keenly that,
so long as the religious barrier exists, there can be no complete understanding
of each other, no full and perfect sympathy; because the things that mean
most and are most conducive to happiness for the one mean little or nothing
in the life of the other.
Complete Harmony
How much more intimate
the union between husband and wife who share the same religious convictions!
Arm in arm they go to church; side by side they assist at Mass; and together
they seek the consolation of Confession and the spiritual nourishment of
Holy Communion. In their attitude towards the question of having children,
in the choice of a school, in the questions regarding prayer in the home,
Catholic reading, courtship and marriage, religious vocation, and many similar
matters, the Catholic couple are in complete accord, because these questions
are all decided for them in advance by the teachings of Holy Mother Church.
Innumerable Dissensions
What a rift on
the other hand in the life of a couple who do not share the same Faith! What
one cherishes and esteems, the other perhaps abhors. What one looks upon
as an act of virtue or even as a most solemn duty, the other may despise
as silly superstition or a mere idle ceremony. Supposing the mother to be
the Catholic party to the marriage, which is the more common case, how keenly
will she not feel the lack of religious harmony if her husband insists on
unnatural limitation of the family; if he objects to having their children
baptized by a Catholic priest; if he insists that three or four years' training
in a Catholic school is enough to fulfill his promise to have his children
brought up Catholic; if he refuses all money for Catholic books, papers and
periodicals; if he objects to all display (as he terms it) of religion by
means of Crucifixes, pictures of the saints, or other religious articles
in the home; if he discourages prayer at meals and all family devotions;
if he protests against sending the children to Mass when the weather is the
least bit inclement or disagreeable, or against sending them from home without
breakfast when they wish to receive Communion; if he scolds about his sleep
being disturbed or having to get his own breakfast when his wife goes to
early Mass; if he demands meat at all meals on Fridays and all days of
abstinence; if he encourages as broadening, the association of his boys and
girls with the children of his own Protestant or even irreligious relatives
and friends; if he refuses to call the priest or even denies him admission
into the house when some member of the family is seriously ill; if--to put
an end to the list--he does any of the thousand and one different things
like these that other non-Catholic husbands of Catholic wives have done in
the past and are still doing to-day. For these are not purely imaginary cases
such as everyone must admit might happen. They are actual cases drawn from
stories of mixed marriages in real life.
The Pre-nuptial Pledge
But some young
lady who is contemplating a mixed marriage may say, on reading the foregoing
paragraph, that she would make adequate provision against all such possible
evil consequences by demanding a solemn promise of her future husband never
to interfere with her or her children's practice of religion. In doing that,
she would be doing only what thousands of Catholic girls have done before;
for the Church requires such a promise as an indispensable condition every
time she tolerates a mixed marriage. But it is notorious how lightly these
pre-nuptial pledges are broken, and how sadly these thousands of Catholic
wives of non-Catholic husbands have been disillusioned when the time came
for the promises to be redeemed. To make a promise and to keep it are two
quite different things. In many cases, too, the non-Catholic party never
had any intention of keeping his promise; or, if he did, he maintained afterwards
that changed circumstances gave him the right to change his mind. So it may
very easily happen that not many moons have passed since the honeymoon before
the wife finds obstacles placed in the way of the performance of so simple
and fundamental a duty as the hearing of Mass on Sunday. And even should
the wife be gifted with such exceptional strength of character and devotion
to her Faith as to practice her religion in defiance of her husband, what
would become of domestic harmony?
Children of Mixed Marriages
Yet even more
deplorable than its effects upon domestic harmony will be the effects of
a mixed marriage on the education of the children. As set forth in the first
chapter of this book, the religious education of the child should begin in
earliest childhood, even in infancy, by surrounding the impressionable young
heart with an atmosphere of religion and instilling into its daily expanding
intelligence the idea that nothing in this world matters so much as the love
and service of its God and Creator. But how can a uniform and lasting impression
of this kind be made on the child, when its father and mother, whose combined
actions create the atmosphere of the home, are not in agreement on the importance
of religion? Certainly, if the mother is not a Catholic, the child will stand
little chance of receiving any religious education before it is sent to school.
But even if the mother is a Catholic, the child's religious training will
be one-sided; because it will lack the support of the father's good
example.
Exceptions are Few
Some mixed marriages,
it is true, do turn out well, apparently, despite the initial handicap to
religion and domestic harmony that ordinarily attends them. But it must be
admitted that those are exceptions. The preponderating testimony of experience
is against mixed marriages as the cause of loss of interest in religion or
of complete loss of Faith on the part of the Catholic consort or of the children.
Something Often Overlooked
But there is still
another objection to mixed marriages, the explanation of which will, I trust,
make my unmarried readers still more determined never to contract a marriage
that would introduce disharmony into their future homes. Very many Catholics,
I dare say the great majority of them, are of the opinion that a Catholic
is forbidden to marry a non-Catholic in much the same fashion as he is forbidden
to eat meat on Fridays, namely, merely by a positive law of the Church; and
that the only practical difference between a Catholic marriage and a mixed
marriage lies in the fact that the latter may not be celebrated in church
nor without a dispensation. That idea is entirely wrong. The eating of meat
is not wrong in itself, and the Church has never condemned the eating of
meat; but she condemns mixed marriages and abhors them not only as dangerous
to the Faith of the Catholic party and the children, but also because entering
into such a marriage involves the participation by a Catholic and a non-Catholic
in the same sacred rite.
This is a point that many Catholics do not know or entirely overlook. They
know quite well that they are not allowed to take an active part in a Protestant
religious service; and that to assist as bridesmaid or groomsman at a Protestant
wedding is forbidden under mortal sin. Yet the degree of a bridesmaid's
participation in a wedding is small compared with that of the bride herself;
because, for a Catholic, marriage is a sacrament, and the bride and groom
actually administer the sacrament of Matrimony to each other, the priest
being only the Church's official witness. It is this intimate commingling
in a religious rite by a Catholic with a heretic which is the reason why
the Church does not permit a mixed marriage, except for a grave reason, even
if it were certain that this or that particular mixed marriage involved no
danger to the Faith of the Catholic partner or of the children.
Communication with a Heretic
It will give the
reader a better idea of how the Church detests the active participation of
her children in a sacramental rite with a heretic, if we observe how she
legislates regarding it in other cases. Such a communication with a heretic
occurs also when a Catholic receives sacramental absolution or Holy Communion
from a validly ordained but heretical priest; and so averse is Mother Church
to such an act that only in danger of death does she permit a Catholic to
request absolution and to receive Holy Communion at the hands of such a priest.
It is evident, therefore, that there must be a grave reason for permitting
any religious communication of that kind with a heretic; and that holds also
for participation with a heretic in the Sacrament of Matrimony.
Permitted Only for a Grave Reason
This is another
point that is commonly overlooked or not understood. A Catholic must have
a grave reason for entering a marriage with a non-Catholic and a dispensation
for such a marriage may be granted only for a grave reason. It is not enough
that the couple want to get married and are willing to sign the pre-nuptial
pledges. By no means. The first requisite is that there must be some weighty
reason for permitting an exception to the general law of the Church forbidding
mixed marriages. Only when serious ground for making such an exception exists,
may a dispensation be granted,--and even then only on the further condition
that the usual promises regarding the practice of religion be given in writing.
The Church Not Too Severe
From the foregoing
explanation, it should be abundantly clear to any Catholic that the Church
is by no means unreasonable or too severe in her opposition to mixed marriages.
To adopt any other attitude would be for her to underrate the sanctity of
Christian matrimony, which Christ raised to the dignity of a sacrament, and
to underestimate the preciousness of the Faith, which it is her duty to preserve
and propagate. And as all those who are so fortunate as to be blessed with
the priceless gift of the true Faith are obliged to take the same attitude
as the Church on all questions of Faith and morals, the attitude of the Church
towards mixed marriages must be the attitude also of all her loyal children.
No Lofty Idealism
It follows, therefore,
that in asking you, dear reader, to accept the Church's position on mixed
marriages as your own, I am not making an appeal for anything extraordinary
or heroic. There is no lofty idealism, far beyond the reach of ordinary mortals,
in taking such a stand. It is nothing but plain Catholicism. Any other attitude
is unchristian and opposed to the teaching of our holy Faith. That a Catholic
should woo and wed only a Catholic is not a sublime ideal, which the Church
expects to see realized only in her most perfect children. The marriage of
a Catholic with a Catholic is the general rule for all, the only truly Catholic
union; the only union the Church positively sanctions and approves.
Every other conjugal union that a Catholic enters into, no matter how securely
braced with excuses, cautions, and dispensations, is at best only
tolerated,--tolerated as a lesser evil, either to right some wrong already
done or to avert some impending greater evil.
The Chief Occasion of Mixed Marriages
I trust that every
young man and every young woman who reads what I have here written, will
be so deeply impressed by the undesirableness of mixed marriages as to resolve
not only never to contract a mixed marriage but also to avoid the chief occasion
that leads to such a marriage; namely, the companionship of non- Catholics.
To mingle freely in a social way with non-Catholics and to say that one is
earnestly determined never to marry a non- Catholic is like paddling down
the rapids of Niagara with the determination not to strike a rock. The Catholic
youth or maiden, therefore, that is in earnest about avoiding a mixed marriage
will make no dates with a non-Catholic and accept no invitations to non-Catholic
social affairs.
Falling in Love Not Inevitable
But what if a Catholic
falls in love with a non-Catholic? A Catholic should not fall in love with
a non-Catholic! There are persons, it is true, who maintain that falling
in love is something that simply happens and is entirely beyond a person's
control; but such an idea of love is opposed to reason and to common sense.
Human love is not merely a passion that bursts forth spontaneously upon the
perception of a suitable object. It is also a voluntary activity of the will;
and hence it is subject to the control of the will, which can check and even
extinguish a passion for a person whom one's reason declares to be an undesirable
or even impossible partner in marriage the poor hired man from falling in
love with the daughter of his rich master? Is it not the consideration of
the impossibility of a marriage that prevents many a one (not all, alas!)from
falling in love with a person already married or bound by the vow of virginity
or celibacy? Why, then, should the consideration of the evils of a mixed
marriage not suffice with the grace of God to prevent a Catholic from falling
in love with a non-Catholic? No, even though the human heart is a strange
and willful creature, it is not so intractable that, with due precautions,
it cannot be restrained from desiring forbidden fruit. Hence the Catholic
boy or girl who starts out with the correct Catholic attitude that mixed
marriages are forbidden fruit, and who does not court danger by mixing socially
with non-Catholics, will keep from falling in love with a non-Catholic without
extraordinary difficulty.
Conversion of the Non-Catholic Partner
And now a word
also to those of my readers who have contracted a mixed marriage and who
are still living with a non-Catholic partner. No matter how unpleasant the
reading of this chapter may have been for you, you must not be disheartened.
You cannot, it is true, alter the past; but you can do a great deal to mend
matters for the future. Whether your marriage has been one of those exceptional
ones that have turned out well despite the lack of harmony in religion; or
whether it has further corroborated the wisdom of the Church in condemning
such unions, your duty is the same: you must endeavor to bring about the
conversion of your partner to the true Faith. It was with the understanding
that you would fulfill this duty that the dispensation for your marriage
was granted. But even if Canon Law did not stress this obligation, you should
nevertheless be solicitous for your Consort's conversion for his, or her,
own sake, no less than for the sake of religious harmony in the home.
Prayer Alone Not Sufficient
But how can this
most desired event be brought about? By earnest and persevering prayer; by
the constant force of your own good example; by occasional invitations to
read Catholic literature and to attend Catholic services and sermons; and--not
to be forgotten!--also by prudently intimating, on opportune occasions, your
own great desire that your non-Catholic partner embrace the true Faith. You
must not expect Almighty God to do everything. In dispensing His graces and
especially the blessing of the true Faith, He makes use also of human means
and human agents. And the most natural as well as the most suitable agent
He could employ to convert your partner in marriage is yourself. Why, then,
this timid reticence on the subject of religion? If you persist in depending
exclusively on prayer, you may be held responsible for your consort's long
delayed conversion and for his or her loss of innumerable priceless graces.
Such was the woman who on the day of her husband's conversion exclaimed to
him: "This is the happiest day of my life. I have been longing and praying
for this day for many years." To which her husband replied: "That is strange.
Then why did you never intimate to me that you longed for me to become a
Catholic?"
Enthronement of the Sacred Heart
Among the supernatural
means of obtaining the conversion of a wife or husband, one that I would
recommend most strongly is devotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus; and in
particular that form of this devotion known as the Enthronement of the Sacred
Heart in the home. This consists in setting up an image of the Sacred Heart
with appropriate solemnities in the home, and in consecrating the family
to the Sacred Heart in permanent recognition of His Kingship over the home.
The fruits of the Enthronement have been simply marvelous in all parts of
the world. Men who had never gone to Confession in their lives, high- degree
Freemasons, have humbly made their Confession after the Enthronement had
been performed in their home at the request of a wife or daughter.
To all, therefore, whose home life is marred by the lack of unity in religion
or by any other kind of disharmony, as well as to those who wish to preserve
the harmony that has hitherto prevailed, I say: Invite a priest to perform
the act of Enthronement in your home. Consecrate your family to the Sacred
Heart of Jesus. Renew that consecration from time to time, especially on
the first Friday of each month; and in the spirit of that consecration regard
the Sacred Heart as the King and intimate Friend of your family. Make Him
the confidant of your joys as well as of your sorrows, your failures as well
as your successes. Let Him be your support in trial, your comfort in sorrow,
your refuge in distress. Let His principles govern your family life as well
as your private and public life; and then you, too, most assuredly, will
realize the truth of those loving promises which the Sacred Heart of Jesus
revealed to St. Margaret Mary Alacoque:
"I will bless the houses wherein the image of my Heart shall be exposed and
honored.
"I will give peace to their families
"I will give them all the graces necessary for their state.
"I will shed abundant blessings on all their undertakings.
"I will comfort them in all their trials."
Continue:
Introduction
Chapter I: Necessity of Religion in the Home
Chapter II: Prayer in the Home
Chapter III: Catholic Atmosphere in the Home
Chapter IV: Good Reading in the Home
Chapter V: Harmony in the Home
Chapter VI: Necessity of Home Life
Conclusion
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