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Ephesians V
Ver. 22, 24. "Wives, be in subjection unto your own husbands, as unto
the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is
the head of the Church: being Himself the Saviour of the body. But as
the Church is subject to Christ, so let the wives also be to their
husbands in everything."
A certain wise man, setting down a number of things in the rank of
blessings, set down this also in the rank of a blessing, "A wife
agreeing with her husband." (Ecclus. xxv. 1.) And elsewhere again he
sets it down among blessings, that a woman should dwell in harmony with
her husband. (Ecclus. xl. 23.) And indeed from the beginning, God
appears to have made special provision for this union; and discoursing
of the twain as one, He said thus, "Male and female created He them"
(Gen. i. 27); and again, "There is neither male nor female." (Gal. iii.
28.) For there is no relationship between man and man so close as that
between man and wife, if they be joined together as they should be. And
therefore a certain blessed man too, when he would express surpassing
love, and was mourning for one that was dear to him, and of one soul
with him, did not mention father, nor mother, nor child, nor brother,
nor friend, but what? "Thy love to me was wonderful," saith he,
"passing the love of women." (2 Sam. i. 26.) For indeed, in very deed,
this love is more despotic than any despotism: for others indeed may be
strong, but this passion is not only strong, but unfading. For there is
a certain love deeply seated in our nature, which imperceptibly to
ourselves knits together these bodies of ours. Thus even from the very
beginning woman sprang from man, and afterwards from man and woman
sprang both man and woman. Perceivest thou the close bond and
connection? And how that God suffered not a different kind of nature to
enter in from without? And mark, how many providential arrangements He
made. He permitted the man to marry his own sister; or rather not his
sister, but his daughter; nay, nor yet his daughter, but something more
than his daughter, even his own flesh. And thus the whole He framed
from one beginning, gathering all together, like stones in a building,
into one. For neither on the one hand did He form her from without, and
this was that the man might not feel towards her as towards an alien;
nor again did He confine marriage to her, that she might not, by
contracting herself, and making all center in herself, be cut off from
the rest. Thus as in the case of plants, they are of all others the
best, which have but a single stem, and spread out into a number of
branches; (since were all confined to the root alone, all would be to
no purpose, whereas again had it a number of roots, the tree would be
no longer worthy of admiration;) so, I say, is the case here also. From
one, namely Adam, He made the whole race to spring, preventing them by
the strongest necessity from being ever torn asunder, or separated; and
afterwards, making it more restricted, He no longer allowed sisters and
daughters to be wives, lest we should on the other hand contract our
love to one point, and thus in another manner be cut off from one
another. Hence Christ said, "He which made them from the beginning,
made them male and female." (Matt. xix. 4.)
For great evils are hence produced, and great benefits, both to
families and to states. For there is nothing which so welds our life
together as the love of man and wife. For this many will lay aside even
their arms, for this they will give up life itself. And Paul would
never without a reason and without an object have spent so much pains
on this subject, as when he says here, "Wives, be in subjection unto
your own husbands, as unto the Lord." And why so? Because when they are
in harmony, the children are well brought up, and the domestics are in
good order, and neighbors, and friends, and relations enjoy the
fragrance. But if it be otherwise, all is turned upside down, and
thrown into confusion. And just as when the generals of an army are at
peace one with another, all things are in due subordination, whereas on
the other hand, if they are at variance, everything is turned upside
down; so, I say, is it also here. Wherefore, saith he, "Wives, be in
subjection unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord."
Yet how strange! for how then is it, that it is said elsewhere, "If one
bid not farewell both to wife and to husband, he cannot follow me"?
(Luke xiv. 26.) For if it is their duty to be in subjection "as unto
the Lord," how saith He that they must depart from them for the Lord's
sake? Yet their duty indeed it is, their bounden duty. But the word
"as" is not necessarily and universally expressive of exact equality.
He either means this, " 'as' knowing that ye are servants to the Lord";
(which, by the way, is what he says elsewhere, that, even though they
do it not for the husband's sake, yet must they primarily for the
Lord's sake;) or else he means, "when thou obeyest thy husband, do so
as serving the Lord." For if he who resisteth these external
authorities, those of governments, I mean, "withstandeth the ordinance
of God" (Rom. xiii. 2), much more does she who submits not herself to
her husband. Such was God's will from the beginning.
Let us take as our fundamental position then that the husband occupies
the place of the "head," and the wife the place of the "body."
Ver. 23, 24. Then, he proceeds with arguments and says that "the
husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the
Church, being Himself the Saviour of the body. But as the Church is
subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their husbands in
everything."
Then after saying, "The husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also
is of the Church," he further adds, "and He is the Saviour of the
body." For indeed the head is the saving health of the body. He had
already laid down beforehand for man and wife, the ground and provision
of their love, assigning to each their proper place, to the one that of
authority and forethought, to the other that of submission. As then
"the Church," that is, both husbands and wives, "is subject unto
Christ, so also ye wives submit yourselves to your husbands, as unto
God."
Ver. 25. "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the
Church."
Thou hast heard how great the submission; thou hast extolled and
marvelled at Paul, how, like an admirable and spiritual man, he welds
together our whole life. Thou didst well. But now hear what he also
requires at thy hands; for again he employs the same example.
"Husbands," saith he, "love your wives, even as Christ also loved the
Church."
Thou hast seen the measure of obedience, hear also the measure of love.
Wouldest thou have thy wife obedient unto thee, as the Church is to
Christ? Take then thyself the same provident care for her, as Christ
takes for the Church. Yea, even if it shall be needful for thee to give
thy life for her, yea, and to be cut into pieces ten thousand times,
yea, and to endure and undergo any suffering whatever,--refuse it not.
Though thou shouldest undergo all this, yet wilt thou not, no, not even
then, have done anything like Christ. For thou indeed art doing it for
one to whom thou art already knit; but He for one who turned her back
on Him and hated Him. In the same way then as He laid at His feet her
who turned her back on Him, who hated, and spurned, and disdained Him,
not by menaces, nor by violence, nor by terror, nor by anything else of
the kind, but by his unwearied affection; so also do thou behave
thyself toward thy wife. Yea, though thou see her looking down upon
thee, and disdaining, and scorning thee, yet by thy great
thoughtfulness for her, by affection, by kindness, thou wilt be able to
lay her at thy feet. For there is nothing more powerful to sway than
these bonds, and especially for husband and wife. A servant, indeed,
one will be able, perhaps, to bind down by fear; nay not even him, for
he will soon start away and be gone. But the partner of one's life, the
mother of one's children, the foundation of one's every joy, one ought
never to chain down by fear and menaces, but with love and good temper.
For what sort of union is that, where the wife trembles at her husband?
And what sort of pleasure will the husband himself enjoy, if he dwells
with his wife as with a slave, and not as with a free-woman? Yea,
though thou shouldest suffer anything on her account, do not upbraid
her; for neither did Christ do this.
Ver. 26. "And gave Himself up," he says, "for it, that He might
sanctify and cleanse it."
So then she was unclean! So then she had blemishes, so then she was
unsightly, so then she was worthless! Whatsoever kind of wife thou
shalt take, yet shalt thou never take such a bride as the Church, when
Christ took her, nor one so far removed from thee as the Church was
from Christ, And yet for all that, He did not abhor her, nor loathe her
for her surpassing deformity. Wouldest thou hear her deformity
described? Hear what Paul saith, "For ye were once darkness." (Eph. v.
8.) Didst thou see the blackness of her hue? What blacker than
darkness? But look again at her boldness, "living," saith he, "in
malice and envy." (Tit. iii. 3.) Look again at her impurity;
"disobedient, foolish." But what am I saying? She was both foolish, and
of an evil tongue; and yet notwithstanding, though so many were her
blemishes, yet did He give Himself up for her in her deformity, as for
one in the bloom of youth, as for one dearly be loved, as for one of
wonderful beauty. And it was in admiration of this that Paul said, "For
scarcely for a righteous man will one die (Rom. v. 7); and again, "in
that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (Rom. v. 8.) And
though such as this, He took her, He arrayed her in beauty, and washed
her, and refused not even this, to give Himself for her.
Ver. 26, 27. "That He might sanctify it having cleansed it," he
proceeds, "by the washing of water with the word; that He might present
the Church to Himself a glorious Church, not having spot, or wrinkle,
or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish."
"By the washing or layer" He washeth her uncleanness. "By the word,"
saith he. What word? "In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of
the Holy Ghost." (Matt. xxviii. 19.) And not simply hath He adorned
her, but hath made her "glorious, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any
such thing." Let us then also seek after this beauty ourselves, and we
shall be able to create it. Seek not thou at thy wife's hand, things
which she is not able to possess. Seest thou that the Church had all
things at her Lord's hands? By Him was made glorious, by Him was made
pure, by Him made without blemish? Turn not thy back on thy wife
because of her deformity. Hear the Scripture that saith, "The bee is
little among such as fly, but her fruit is the chief of sweet things."
(Ecclus. xi. 3.) She is of God's fashioning. Thou reproachest not her,
but Him that made her; what can the woman do? Praise her not for her
beauty. Praise and hatred and love based on personal beauty belong to
unchastened souls. Seek thou for beauty of soul. Imitate the Bridegroom
of the Church. Outward beauty is full of conceit and great license, and
throws men into jealousy, and the thing often makes thee suspect
monstrous things. But has it any pleasure? For the first or second
month, perhaps, or at most for the year: but then no longer; the
admiration by familiarity wastes away. Meanwhile the evils which arose
from the beauty still abide, the pride, the folly, the
contemptuousness.
Whereas in one who is not such, there is nothing of this kind. But the
love having begun on just grounds, still continues ardent, since its
object is beauty of soul, and not of body. What better, tell me, than
heaven? What better than the stars? Tell me of what body you will, yet
is there none so fair. Tell me of what eyes you will, yet are there
none so sparkling. When these were created, the very Angels gazed with
wonder, and we gaze with wonder now; yet not in the same degree as at
first. Such is familiarity; things do not strike us in the same degree.
How much more in the case of a wife! And if moreover disease come too,
all is at once fled. Let us seek in a wife affectionateness,
modest-mindedness, gentleness; these are the characteristics of beauty.
But loveliness of person let us not seek, nor upbraid her upon these
points, over which she has no power, nay, rather, let us not upbraid at
all (it were rudeness), nor let us be impatient, nor sullen. Do ye not
see how many, after living with beautiful wives, have ended their lives
pitiably, and how many, who have lived with those of no great beauty,
have run on to extreme old age with great enjoyment. Let us wipe off
the "spot" that is within, let us smooth the "wrinkles" that are
within, let us do away the "blemishes" that are on the soul. Such is
the beauty God requires. Let us make her fair in God's sight, not in
our own. Let us not look for wealth, nor for that high-birth which is
outward, but for that true nobility which is in the soul. Let no one
endure to get rich by a wife; for such riches are base and disgraceful;
no, by no means let any one seek to get rich from this source.
"For they that desire to be rich, fall into a temptation and a snare,
and many foolish and hurtful lusts, and into destruction and
perdition." (1 Tim. vi. 9.) Seek not therefore in thy wife abundance of
wealth, and thou shall find everything else go well. Who, tell me,
would overlook the most important things, to attend to those which are
less so? And yet, alas! this is in every case our feeling. Yes, if we
have a son, we concern ourselves not how he may be made virtuous, but
how we may get him a rich wife; not how he may be well-mannered, but
well-monied: if we follow a business, we enquire not how it may be
clear of sin, but how it may bring us in most profit. And everything
has become money; and thus is everything corrupted and ruined, because
that passion possesses us.
Ver. 28. "Even so ought husbands to love their own wives," saith he,
"as their own bodies."
What, again, means this? To how much greater a similitude, and stronger
example has he come; and not only so, but also to one how much nearer
and clearer, and to a fresh obligation. For that other one was of no
very constraining force, for He was Christ, and was God, and gave
Himself. He now manages his argument on a different ground, saying, "so
ought men "; because the thing is not a favor, but a debt. Then, "as
their own bodies." And why?
Ver. 29. "For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourisheth and
cherisheth it."
That is, tends it with exceeding care. And how is she his flesh?
Hearken; "This now is bone of my bones," saith Adam, "and flesh of my
flesh." (Gen. ii. 23.) For she is made of matter taken from us. And not
only so, but also, "they shall be," saith God, "one flesh." (Gen. ii.
24.)
"Even as Christ also the Church." Here he returns to the former
example.
Ver. 30. "Because we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His
bones."
Ver. 31. "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and
shall cleave to his wife, and the twain shall become one flesh."
Behold again a third ground of obligation; for he shows that a man
leaving them that begat him, and from whom he was born, is knit to his
wife; and that then the one flesh is, father, and mother, and the
child, from the substance of the two commingled. For indeed by the
commingling of their seeds is the child produced, so that the three are
one flesh. Thus then are we in relation to Christ; we become one flesh
by participation, and we much more than the child. And why and how so?
Because so it has been from the beginning.
Tell me not that such and such things are so. Seest thou not that we
have in our own flesh itself many defects? For one man, for instance,
is lame, another has his feet distorted, another his hands withered,
another some other member weak; and yet nevertheless he does not grieve
at it, nor cut it off, but oftentimes prefers it even to the other.
Naturally enough; for it is part of himself. As great love as each
entertains towards himself, so great he would have us entertain towards
a wife. Not because we partake of the same nature; no, this ground of
duty towards a wife is far greater than that; it is that there are not
two bodies but one; he the head, she the body. And how saith he
elsewhere "and the Head of Christ is God "? (1 Cor. xi. 3.) This I too
say, that as we are one body, so also are Christ and the Father One.
And thus then is the Father also found to be our Head. He sets down two
examples, that of the natural body and that of Christ's body. And hence
he further adds, Ver. 32. "This is great mystery: but I speak in regard
of Christ and of the Church."
Why does he call it a great mystery? That it was something great and
wonderful, the blessed Moses, or rather God, intimated. For the
present, however, saith he, I speak regarding Christ, that having left
the Father, He came down, and came to the Bride, and became one Spirit.
"For he that is joined unto the Lord is one Spirit." (1 Cor. vi. 17.)
And well saith he, "it is a great mystery." And then as though he were
saying, "But still nevertheless the allegory does not destroy
affection," he adds, Ver. 33. "Nevertheless do ye also severally love
each one his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see that she
fear her husband."
For indeed, in very deed, a mystery it is, yea, a great mystery, that a
man should leave him that gave him being, him that begat him, and that
brought him up, and her that travailed with him and had sorrow, those
that have bestowed upon him so many and great benefits, those with whom
he has been in familiar intercourse, and be joined to one who was never
even seen by him and who has nothing in common with him, and should
honor her before all others. A mystery it is indeed. And yet are
parents not distressed when these events take place, but rather, when
they do not take place; and are delighted when their wealth is spent
and lavished upon it.--A great mystery indeed! and one that contains
some hidden wisdom. Such Moses prophetically showed it to be from the
very first; such now also Paul proclaims it, where he saith,
"concerning Christ and the Church."
However not for the husband's sake alone it is thus said, but for the
wife's sake also, that "he cherish her as his own flesh, as Christ also
the Church," and, "that the wife fear her husband." He is no longer
setting down the duties of love only, but what? "That she fear her
husband." The wife is a second authority; let not her then demand
equality, for. she is under the head; nor let him despise her as being
in subjection, for she is the body; and if the head despise the body,
it will itself also perish. But let him bring in love on his part as a
counterpoise to obedience on her part. For example, let the hands and
the feet, and all the rest of the members be given up for service to
the head, but let the head provide for the body, seeing it contains
every sense in itself. Nothing can be better than this union.
And yet how can there ever be love, one may say, where there is fear?
It will exist there, I say, preeminently. For she that fears and
reverences, loves also; and she that loves, fears and reverences him as
being the head, and loves him as being a member, since the head itself
is a member of the body at large. Hence he places the one in
subjection, and the other in authority, that there may be peace; for
where there is equal authority there can never be peace; neither where
a house is a democracy, nor where all are rulers; but the ruling power
must of necessity be one. And this is universally the case with matters
referring to the body, inasmuch as when men are spiritual, there will
be peace. There were "five thousand souls," and not one of them said,
"that aught of the things which he possessed was his own" (Acts iv.
32), but they were subject one to another; an indication this of
wisdom, and of the fear of God. The principle of love, however, he
explains; that of fear he does not. And mark, how on that of love he
enlarges, stating the arguments relating to Christ and those relating
to one's own flesh, the words," For this cause shall a man leave his
father and mother." (Ver. 31.) Whereas upon those drawn from fear he
forbears to enlarge. And why so? Because he would rather that this
principle prevail, this, namely, of love; for where this exists,
everything else follows of course, but where the other exists, not
necessarily. For the man who loves his wife, even though she be not a
very obedient one, still will bear with everything. So difficult and
impracticable is unanimity, where persons are not bound together by
that love which is founder in supreme authority; at all events, fear
will not necessarily effect this. Accordingly, he dwells the more upon
this, which is the strong tie. And the wife though seeming to be the
loser in that she was charged to fear, is the gainer, because the
principal duty, love, is charged upon the husband. "But what," one may
say, "if a wife reverence me not?" Never mind, thou art to love,
fulfill thine own duty. For though that which is due from others may
not follow, we ought of course to do our duty. This is an example of
what I mean. He says, "submitting yourselves one to another in the fear
of Christ." And what then if another submit not himself? Still obey
thou the law of God. Just so, I say, is it also here. Let the wife at
least, though she be not loved, still reverence notwithstanding, that
nothing may lie at her door; and let the husband, though his wife
reverence him not, still show her love notwithstanding, that he himself
be not wanting in any point. For each has received his own.
This then is marriage when it takes place according to Christ,
spiritual marriage, and spiritual birth, not of blood, nor of travail,
nor of the will of the flesh. Such was the birth of Christ, not of
blood, nor of travail. Such also was that of Isaac. Hear how the
Scripture saith, "And it ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of
women." (Gen. xviii. 11.) Yea, a marriage it is, not of passion, nor of
the flesh, but wholly spiritual, the soul being united to God by a
union unspeakable, and which He alone knoweth. Therefore he saith, "He
that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit." (1 Cor. vi. 17.) Mark how
earnestly he endeavors to unite both flesh with flesh, and spirit with
spirit. And where are the heretics? Never surely, if marriage were a
thing to be condemned, would he have called Christ and the Church a
bride and bridegroom; never would he have brought forward by way of
exhortation the words, "A man shall leave his father and his mother ";
and again have added, that it was "spoken in regard of Christ and of
the Church." For of her it is that the Psalmist also saith, "Hearken, O
daughter, and consider, and incline thine ear; forget also thine own
people, and thy father's house. So shall the king desire thy beauty."
(Ps. xlv. 10, 11.) Therefore also Christ saith, "I came out from the
Father, and am come." (John xvi. 28.) But when I say, that He left the
Father, imagine not such a thing as happens among men, a change of
place; for just in the same way as the word "go forth" is used, not
because He literally came forth, but because of His incarnation, so
also is the expression, "He left the Father."
Now why did he not say of the wife also, She shall be joined unto her
husband? Why, I say, is this? Because he was discoursing concerning
love, and was discoursing to the husband. For to her indeed be
discourses concerning reverence, and says, "the husband is the head of
the wife" (ver. 23), and again, "Christ is the Head of the Church."
Whereas to him he discourses concerning love, and commits to him this
province of love, and declares to him that which pertains to love, thus
binding him and cementing him to her. For the man that leaves his
father for the sake of his wife, and then again, leaves this very wife
herself and abandons her, what forbearance can he deserve?
Seest thou not how great a share of honor God would have her enjoy, in
that he hath taken thee away from thy father, and hath linked thee to
her? What then, a man may say, if our duty is done, and yet she does
not follow the example? "Yet if the unbelieving departeth, let him
depart; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases."
(1 Cor. vii. 15.)
However, when thou hearest of "fear," demand that fear which becomes a
free woman, not as though thou wert exacting it of a slave. For she is
thine own body; and if thou do this, thou reproachest thyself in
dishonoring thine own body. And of what nature is this "fear"? It is
the not contradicting, the not rebelling, the not being fond of the pre
minence. It is enough that fear be kept within these bounds. But if
thou love, as thou art commanded, thou wilt make it yet greater. Or
rather it will not be any longer by fear that thou wilt be doing this,
but love itself will have its effect. The sex is somehow weaker, and
needs much support, much condescension.
But what will they say, who are knit together in second marriages? I
speak not at all in condemnation of them, God forbid; for the Apostle
himself permits them, though indeed by way of condescension.
Supply her with everything. Do everything and endure trouble for her
sake.
Necessity is laid upon thee.
Here he does not think it right to introduce his counsel, as he in many
cases does, with examples from them that are without. That of Christ,
so great and forcible, were alone enough; and more especially as
regards the argument of subjection. "A man shall leave," he saith, "his
father and mother." Behold, this then is from without. But he does not
say, and "shall dwell with," but "shall cleave unto," thus showing the
closeness of the union, and the fervent love. Nay, he is not content
with this, but further by what he adds, he explains the subjection in
such a way as that the twain appear no longer twain. He does not say,
"one spirit," he does not say, "one soul" (for that is manifest, and is
possible to any one), but so as to be "one flesh." She is a second
authority, possessing indeed an authority, and a considerable equality
of dignity; but at the same time the husband has somewhat of
superiority. In this consists most chiefly the well-being of the house.
For he took that former argument, the example of Christ, to show that
we ought not only to love, but also to govern; "that she may be," saith
he, "holy and without blemish." But the word "flesh" has reference to
love--and the word "shall cleave" has in like manner reference to love.
For if thou shalt make her "holy and without blemish," everything else
will follow. Seek the things which are of God, and those which are of
man will follow readily enough. Govern thy wife, and thus will the
whole house be in harmony. Hear what Paul saith. "And if they would
learn any thing, let them ask their own husbands at home." (1 Cor. xiv.
35.) If we thus regulate our own houses, we shall be also fit for the
management of the Church. For indeed a house is a little Church. Thus
it is possible for us by becoming good husbands and wives, to surpass
all others.
Consider Abraham, and Sarah, and Isaac, and the three hundred and
eighteen born in his house. (Gen. xiv. 14.) How the whole house was
harmoniously knit together, how the whole was full of piety and
fulfilled the Apostolic injunction. She also "reverenced her husband";
for hear her own words, "It hath not yet happened unto me even until
now, and my lord is old also." (Gen. xviii. 12.) And he again so loved
her, that in all things he obeyed her commands. And the young child was
virtuous, and the servants born in the house, they too were so
excellent that they refused not even to hazard their lives with their
master; they delayed not, nor asked the reason. Nay, one of them, the
chief, was so admirable, that he was even entrusted with the marriage
of the only-begotten child, and with a journey into a foreign country.
(Gen. xxiv. 1-67.) For just as with a general, when his soldiery also
is well organized, the enemy has no quarter to attack; so, I say, is it
also here: when husband and wife and children and servants are all
interested in the same things, great is the harmony of the house. Since
where this is not the case, the whole is oftentimes overthrown and
broken up by one bad servant; and that single one will often mar and
utterly destroy the whole.
MORAL. Let us then be very thoughtful both for our wives, and children,
and servants; knowing that we shall thus be establishing for ourselves
an easy government, and shall have our accounts with them gentle and
lenient, and say, "Behold I, and the children which God hath given me."
(Isa. viii. 18.) If the husband command respect, and the head be
honorable, then will the rest of the body sustain no violence. Now what
is the wife's fitting behavior, and what the husband's, he states
accurately, charging her to reverence him as the head, and him to love
her as a wife; but how, it may be said, can these things be? That they
ought indeed so to be, he has proved. But how they can be so, I will
tell you. They will be so, if we will despise money, if we will look
but to one thing only, excellence of soul, if we will keep the fear of
God before our eyes. For what he says in his discourse to servants,
"whatsoever any man doeth, whether it be good or evil, the same shall
he receive of the Lord"
(Eph. vi. 8); this is also the case here. Love her therefore not for
her sake so much as for Christ's sake. This, at least, he as much as
intimates, in saying, "as unto the Lord." So then do everything, as in
obedience to the Lord, and as doing everything for His sake. This were
enough to induce and to persuade us, and not to suffer that there
should be any teasing and dissension. Let none be believed when
slandering the husband to his wife; no, nor let the husband believe
anything at random against the wife, nor let the wife be without reason
inquisitive about his goings out and his comings in. No, nor on any
account let the husband ever render himself worthy of any suspicion
whatever. For what, tell me, what if thou shall devote thyself all the
day to thy friends, and give the evening to thy wife, and not even thus
be able to content her, and place her out of reach of suspicion?
Though thy wife complain, yet be not annoyed--it is her love, not her
folly--they are the complaints of fervent attachment, and burning
affection, and fear. Yes, she is afraid lest any one have stolen her
marriage bed, lest any one have injured her in that which is the summit
of her blessings, lest any one have taken away from her him who is her
head, lest any one have broken through her marriage chamber.
There is also another ground of petty jealousy. Let neither claim too
much service of the servants, neither the husband from the
maid-servant, nor the wife from the man-servant. For these things also
are enough to beget suspicion. For consider, I say, that righteous
household I spoke of. Sarah herself bade the patriarch take Hagar. She
herself directed it, no one compelled her, nor did the husband attempt
it; no, although he had dragged on so long a period childless, yet he
chose never to become a father, rather than to grieve his wife. And yet
even after all this, what said Sarah? "The Lord judge between me and
thee." (Gen. xvi. 5.) Now, I say, had he been any one else would he not
have been moved to anger? Would he not also have stretched forth his
hand, saying as it were, "What meanest thou? I had no desire to have
anything to do with the woman; it was all thine own doing; and dost
thou turn again and accuse me?"--But no, he says nothing of the
sort;--but what? "Behold, thy maid is in thy hand; do to her that which
is good in thine eyes." (Gen. xvi. 6.) He delivered up the partner of
his bed, that he might not grieve Sarah. And yet surely is there
nothing greater than this for producing affection. For if partaking of
the same table produces unanimity even in robbers towards their foes,
(and the Psalmist saith, "Who didst eat sweet food at the same table
with me"); much more will the becoming one flesh--for such is the being
the partner of the bed--be effectual to draw us together. Yet did none
of these things avail to overcome him; but he delivered Hagar up to his
wife, to show that nothing had been done by his own fault. Nay, and
what is more, he sent her forth when with child. Who would not have
pitied one that had conceived a child by himself? Yet was the just man
unmoved, for he set before everything else the love he owed his wife.
Let us then imitate him ourselves. Let no one reproach his neighbor
with his poverty; let no one be in love with money; and then all
difficulties will be at an end.
Neither let a wife say to her husband, "Unmanly coward that thou art,
full of sluggishness and dullness, and fast asleep! here is such a one,
a low man, and of low parentage, who runs his risks, and makes his
voyages, and has made a good fortune; and his wife wears her jewels,
and goes out with her pair of milk-white mules; she rides about
everywhere, she has troops of slaves, and a swarm of eunuchs, but thou
hast cowered down and livest to no purpose." Let not a wife say these
things, nor anything like them. For she is the body, not to dictate to
the head, but to submit herself and obey. "But how," some one will say,
"is she to endure poverty? Where is she to look for consolation?" Let
her select and put beside her those who are poorer still. Let her again
consider how many noble and high-born maidens have not only received
nothing of their husbands, but have even given dowries to them, and
have spent their all upon them. Let her reflect on the perils which
arise from such riches, and she will cling to this quiet life. In
short, if she is affectionately disposed towards her husband, she will
utter nothing of the sort. No, she will rather choose to have him near
her, though gaining nothing, than gaining ten thousand talents of gold,
accompanied with that care and anxiety which always arise to wives from
those distant voyages.
Neither, however, let the husband, when he hears these things, on the
score of his having the supreme authority, betake himself to revilings
and to blows; but let him exhort, let him admonish her, as being less
perfect, let him persuade her with arguments. Let him never once lift
his hand,--far be this from a noble spirit,--no, nor give expression to
insults, or taunts, or revilings; but let him regulate and direct her
as being wanting in wisdom. Yet how shall this be done? If she be
instructed in the true riches, in the heavenly philosophy, she will
make no complaints like these. Let him teach her then, that poverty is
no evil. Let him teach her, not by what he says only, but also by what
he does. Let him teach her to despise glory; and then his wife will
speak of nothing, and will desire nothing of the kind. Let him, as if
he had an image given into his hands to mould, let him, from that very
evening on which he first receives her into the bridal chamber, teach
her temperance, gentleness, and how to live, casting down the love of
money at once from the outset, and from the very threshold. Let him
discipline her in wisdom, and advise her never to have bits of gold
hanging at her ears, and down her cheeks, and laid round about her
neck, nor laid up about the chamber, nor golden and costly garments
stored up. But let her chamber be handsome, still let not what is
handsome degenerate into finery. No, leave these things to the people
of the stage. Adorn thine house thyself with all possible neatness, so
as rather to breathe an air of soberness than much perfume. For hence
will arise two or three good results. First then, the bride will not be
grieved, when the apartments are opened, and the tissues, and the
golden ornaments, and silver vessels, are sent back to their several
owners. Next, the bridegroom will have no anxiety about the loss, nor
for the security of the accumulated treasures. Thirdly again, in
addition to this, which is the crown of all these benefits, by these
very points he will be showing his own judgment, that indeed he has no
pleasure in any of these things, and that he will moreover put an end
to everything else in keeping with them, and will never so much as
allow the existence either of dances, or of immodest songs. I am aware
that I shall appear perhaps ridiculous to many persons, in giving such
admonitions. Still nevertheless, if ye will but listen to me, as time
goes on, and the benefit of the practice accrues to you, then ye will
understand the advantage of it. And the laughter will pass off, and ye
will laugh at the present fashion, and will see that the present
practice is really that of silly children and of drunken men. Whereas
what I recommend is the part of soberness, and wisdom, and of the
sublimest way of life. What then do I say is our duty? Take away from
marriage all those shameful, those Satanic, those immodest songs, those
companies of profligate young people, and this will avail to chasten
the spirit of thy bride. For she will at once thus reason with herself;
"Wonderful! What a philosopher this man is! he regards the present life
as nothing, he has brought me here into his house, to be a mother, to
bring up his children, to manage his household affairs." "Yes, but
these things are distasteful to a bride?" Just for the first or second
day;--but not afterwards; nay, she will even reap from them the
greatest delight, and relieve herself of all suspicion. For a man who
can endure neither flute-players, nor dancers, nor broken songs, and
that too at the very time of his wedding, that man will scarcely endure
ever to do or say anything shameful. And then after this, when thou
hast stripped the marriage of all these things, then take her, and form
and mould her carefully, encouraging her bashfulness to a considerable
length of time, and not destroying it suddenly. For even if the damsel
be very bold, yet for a time she will keep silence out of reverence for
her husband, and feeling herself a novice in the circumstances. Thou
then break not off this reserve too hastily, as unchaste husbands do,
but encourage it for a long time. For this will be a great advantage to
thee. Meanwhile she will not complain, she will not find fault with any
laws thou mayest frame for her. During that time therefore, during
which shame, like a sort of bridle laid upon the soul, suffers her not
to make any murmur, nor to complain of what is done, lay down all thy
laws.
For as soon as ever she acquires boldness, she will overturn and
confound everything without any sense of fear. When is there then
another time so advantageous for moulding a wife, as that during which
she reverences her husband, and is still timid, and still shy? Then lay
down all thy laws for her, and willing or unwilling, she will certainly
obey them. But how shalt thou help spoiling her modesty? By showing her
that thou thyself art no less modest than she is, addressing to her but
few words, and those too with great gravity and collectedness. Then
entrust her with the discourses of wisdom, for her soul will receive
them. And establish her in that loveliest habit, I mean modesty. If you
wish me, I will also tell you by way of specimen, what sort of language
should be addressed to her. For if Paul shrank not from saying,
"Defraud ye not one the other" (2 Cor. vii. 5), and spoke the language
of a bridesmaid, or rather not of a bridesmaid, but of a spiritual
soul, much more will not we shrink from speaking. What then is the
language we ought to address to her? With great delicacy then we may
say to her, "I have taken thee, my child, to be partner of my life, and
have brought thee in to share with me in the closest and most honorable
ties, in my children, and the superintendence of my house. And what
advice then shall I now recommend thee?"
But rather, first talk with her of your love for her; for there is
nothing that so contributes to persuade a hearer to admit sincerely the
things that are said, as to be assured that they are said with hearty
affection. How then art thou to show that affection? By saying, "when
it was in my power to take many to wife, both with better fortunes, and
of noble family, I did not so choose, but I was enamoured of thee, and
thy beautiful life, thy modesty, thy gentleness, and soberness of
mind." Then immediately from these beginnings open the way to your
discourse on true wisdom, and with some circumlocution make a protest
against riches. For if you direct your argument at once against riches,
you will bear too heavily upon her; but if you do it by taking an
occasion, you will succeed entirely. For you will appear to be doing it
in the way of an apology, not as a morose sort of person, and
ungracious, and over-nice about trifles. But when you take occasion
from what relates to herself, she will be even pleased. You will say
then, (for I must now take up the discourse again,) that "whereas I
might have married a rich woman, and with good fortune, I could not
endure it. And why so? Not capriciously, and without reason; but I was
taught well and truly, that money is no real possession, but a most
despicable thing, a thing which moreover belongs as well to thieves,
and to harlots, and to grave-robbers. So I gave up these things, and
went on till I fell in with the excellence of thy soul, which I value
above all gold. For a young damsel who is discreet and ingenuous, and
whose heart is set on piety, is worth the whole world. For these
reasons then, I courted thee, and I love thee, and prefer thee to my
own soul. For the present life is nothing. And I pray, and beseech, and
do all I can, that we may be counted worthy so to live this present
life, as that we may be able also there in the world to come to be
united to one another in perfect security. For our time here is brief
and fleeting. But if we shall be counted worthy by having pleased God
to so exchange this life for that one, then shall we ever be both with
Christ and with each other, with more abundant pleasure. I value thy
affection above all things, and nothing is so bitter or so painful to
me, as ever to be at variance with thee. Yes, though it should be my
lot to lose my all, and to become poorer than Irus, and undergo the
extremest hazards, and suffer any pain whatsoever, all will be
tolerable and endurable, so long as thy feelings are true towards me.
And then will my children be most dear to me, whilst thou art
affectionately disposed towards me. But thou must do these duties too."
Then mingle also with your discourse the Apostle's words, that "thus
God would have our affections blended together; for listen to the
Scripture, which saith, 'For this cause shall a man leave his father
and mother, and cleave to his wife.' Let us have no pretext for
narrow-minded jealousy. Perish riches, and retinue of slaves, and all
your outward pomps. To me this is more valuable than all." What weight
of gold, what amount of treasures, are so dear to a wife as these
words? Never fear that because she is beloved she will ever rave
against thee, but confess that thou lovest her. For courtezans indeed,
who now attach themselves to one and now to another, would naturally
enough feel contempt towards their lovers, should they hear such
expressions as these; but a free-born wife or a noble damsel would
never be so affected with such words; no, she will be so much the more
subdued. Show her too, that you set a high value on her company, and
that you are more desirous to be at home for her sake, than in the
market-place. And esteem her before all your friends, and above the
children that are born of her, and let these very children be beloved
by thee for her sake. If she does any good act, praise and admire it;
if any foolish one, and such as girls may chance to do, advise her and
remind her. Condemn out and out all riches and extravagance, and gently
point out the ornament that there is in neatness and in modesty; and be
continually teaching her the things that are profitable.
Let your prayers be common. Let each go to Church; and let the husband
ask his wife at home, and she again ask her husband, the account of the
things which were said and read there. If any poverty should overtake
you, cite the case of those holy men, Paul and Peter, who were more
honored than any kings or rich men; and yet how they spent their lives,
in hunger and in thirst. Teach her that there is nothing in life that
is to be feared, save only offending against God. If any marry thus,
with these views, he will be but little inferior to monks; the married
but little below the unmarried.
If thou hast a mind to give dinners, and to make entertainments, let
there be nothing immodest, nothing disorderly. If thou shouldest find
any poor saint able to bless your house, able only just by setting his
foot in it to bring in the whole blessing of God, invite him. And shalt
I say moreover another thing? Let no one of you make it his endeavor to
marry a rich woman, but much rather a poor one. When she comes in, she
will not bring so great a source of pleasure from her riches, as she
will annoyance from her taunts, from her demanding more than she
brought, from her insolence, her extravagance, her vexatious language.
For she will say perhaps, "I have not yet spent anything of thine, I am
still wearing my own apparel, bought with what my parents settled upon
me." What sayest thou, O woman? Still wearing thine own! And what can
be more miserable than this language? Why, thou hast no longer a body
of thine own, and hast thou money of thine own? After marriage ye are
no longer twain, but are become one flesh, and are then your
possessions twain, and not one? Oh! this love of money! Ye both are
become one man, one living creature; and dost thou still say "mine
own"? Cursed and abominable word that it is, it was brought in by the
devil. Things far nearer and dearer to us than these hath God made all
common to us, and are these then not common? We cannot say, "my own
light, my own sun, my own water": all our greater blessings are common,
and are riches not common? Perish the riches ten thousand times over!
Or rather not the riches, but those tempers of mind which know not how
to make use of riches, but esteem them above all things.
Teach her these lessons also with the rest, but with much graciousness.
For since the recommendation of virtue has in itself much that is
stern, and especially to a young and tender damsel, whenever discourses
on true wisdom are to be made, contrive that your manner be full of
grace and kindness. And above all banish this notion from her soul, of
"mine and thine." If she say the word "mine," say unto her, "What
things dost thou call thine? For in truth I know not; I for my part
have nothing of mine own. How then speakest thou of 'mine,' when all
things are thine?" Freely grant her the word. Dost thou not perceive
that such is our practice with children? When, whilst we are holding
anything, a child snatches it, and wishes again to get hold of some
other thing, we allow it, and say, "Yes, and this is thine, and that is
thine." The same also let us do with a wife; for her temper is more or
less like a child's; and if she says "mine," say, "why, everything is
thine, and I am thine." Nor is the expression one of flattery, but of
exceeding wisdom. Thus wilt thou be able to abate her wrath, and put an
end to her disappointment. For it is flattery when a man does an
unworthy act with an evil object: whereas this is the highest
philosophy. Say then, "Even I am thine, my child; this advice Paul
gives me where he says, ' The husband hath not power over his own body,
but the wife.' (1 Cor. vii. 4.) If I have no power over my body, but
thou hast, much more hast thou over my possessions." By saying these
things thou wilt have quieted her, thou wilt have quenched the fire,
thou wilt have shamed the devil, thou wilt have made her more thy slave
than one bought with money, with this language thou wilt have bound her
fast. Thus then, by thine own language, teach her never to speak of
"mine and thine." And again, never call her simply by her name, but
with terms of endearment, with honor, with much love. Honor her, and
she will not need honor from others; she will not want the glory that
comes from others, if she enjoys that which comes from thee. Prefer her
before all, on every account, both for her beauty and her discernment,
and praise her. Thou wilt thus persuade her to give heed to none that
are without, but to scorn all the world except thyself. Teach her the
fear of God, and all good things will flow from this as from a
fountain, and the house will be full of ten thousand blessings. If we
seek the things that are incorruptible, these corruptible things will
follow. "For," saith He, "seek first His kingdom, and all these things
shall be added unto you." (Matt. vi. 33.) What sort of persons, think
you, must the children of such parents be? What the servants of such
masters? What all others who come near them? Will not they too
eventually be loaded with blessings out of number? For generally the
servants also have their characters formed after their master's, and
are fashioned after their humors, love the same objects, which they
have been taught to love, speak the same language, and engage with them
in the same pursuits. If thus we regulate ourselves, and attentively
study the Scriptures, in most things we shall derive instruction from
them. And thus shall be able to please God, and to pass through the
whole of the present life virtuously, and to attain those blessings
which are promised to those that love Him, of which God grant that we
may all be counted worthy, through the grace and lovingkindness of our
Lord Jesus Christ, with Whom, together with the Holy Ghost, be unto the
Father, glory, power, and honor, now, and ever, through all ages. Amen.
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